Quell My Pain
by TenaciousDragoness
Summary: ShuEiri: Shuichi discovers an unhealthy outlet to cope with his unsuccessful relationship with Eiri. Warning/Trigger: Cutting.


Shuichi showered in silence. He couldn't take this anymore. The nasty words, the shouting, the wishy-washy attitude. Eiri was becoming too unbearable to deal with. One minute, he could be warm and kind. The next minute, he was cold and cruel. It was becoming hard to see a silver lining to what Eiri did.

Shuichi picked up the razor. He wondered how Eiri would react if he cut. Would he pay more attention? Would he care? It was hard to tell. Eiri was too unpredictable. Either way, Shuichi wanted to do it.

He brought the razor to his wrist and sliced at his skin. It wasn't long before he started bleeding. Shuichi laughed and smiled. The line of blood was beautiful, like his own little river of blood.

Shuichi turned off the shower and stepped out, all the while watching the blood trail down the palm of his hand. It hurt, but it felt so good. Shuichi grabbed a hand towel and held it to his wrist. He didn't want Eiri to find out. Eiri would just call him stupid, and yell at him.

Shuichi cleaned the wound, and wrapped his body up in a towel. He snuck into the bedroom, being sure to hide his wrist. Fortunately, Eiri wasn't there. Shuichi sighed in relief and got dressed.

There was something exciting about cutting. Shuichi felt happier. He smiled as he slipped into his zebra stripped skinny jeans, black boots, and his TM Revolution shirt. Shuichi was sure to wear a long-sleeved black top underneath.

* * *

"Morning, Bad Luck Team!" Shuichi burst into Studio 2 with a big smile. He ignored the annoyed look he got from Fugisaki and the blank one he got from Hiro. K appeared to be pleased and Sakano was frantic as usual.

"Mr. Shindou, thank God you're here! We have to get started immediately. As you know, our deadline is at the end of the month and we don't even have half the CD done!" Mr. Sakano shouted.

Shuichi patted his shoulder. "Don't bust a gut, Mr. Sakano. It'll get done. As a matter of fact, I'd like to get some lyrics written down right now if you don't mind."

Mr. K dragged him to a seat and sat him down. "We don't mind at all. Get to it, young star!" He said the name in English.

Shuichi didn't know what that meant, but Mr. K sounded encouraging enough. He got out his pen and small notebook and begun writing. His anguish spilled onto the page. It was relieving, but very stressful at the same time. When he was writing, agony encased his heart, and Shuichi felt that familiar urge.

He wanted to cut again.

Shuichi pushed down the temptation until he finished the first draft of the lyrics.

"Excuse me. I gotta go to the bathroom. Uh, you can look over the lyric while I'm gone."

"OK, man." Hiro replied.

Shuichi hurried to the bathroom like he really had to go. He got into the stall and added another cut to his wrist with the razor he brought with him in his pocket. He sighed in relief as if the cut released the pain inside.

He felt rejuvenated.

Shuichi returned to the studio after he bandaged himself up, being sure to enter with a confident grin.

"Well, what do you all think?" He asked, dreading the possibility that they didn't like it.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but these are really good, Mr. Shindou." Fugisaki said.

"I agree." Mr. K added. "Now all you have to do is write the music and we can record this song."

"Awesome!" He ignored Hiro's frown. By the look on Hiro's face, he was worried and Shuichi was touched and all, but he didn't even want to think about the questions that Hiro would ask later. "So glad you like it! Now I was thinking that we'd use an epic beat for this. Like an intense guitar solo after the second to last chorus."

"We can do that." Hiro replied, guitar at ready. "How about this?" It was exactly what Shuichi had in mind. A heavy, dark melody that matches the song perfectly.

"Sounds great! Do you think you can do a wailing sound too?" Shuichi asked.

Hiroshi nodded, and made the guitar wail, adding on a frenzied tune.

Shuichi clapped, all excited. "That's what I'm talking about!"

They continued brainstorming ideas for the song. In the end, the song was as epic as possible. They mixed the beat of Fugisaki's keyboard with Hiro's guitar, deepening the haunting melody of the song. Shuichi sung the lyrics, vocalizing every now and then.

Mr. Sakano, who usually flipped out, was thrilled for a change. He cried, and claimed that the song made him feel the agony of loss. Shuichi knew the song was successful when Mr. Sakano told him that.

He was proud of it.

Yet… he was hurt because he knew that Eiri would never like it. Sometimes Shuichi thought that Eiri was made of stone. So cold, so unfeeling. It was an impossible challenge to please him.

Shit. Shuichi reached into his pocket to stroke the razor. He had to cut. So he excused himself to the restroom again. It wasn't unusual because he was drinking water every so often during the recording. He just hoped that no one thought otherwise, especially Hiro, who had a knack of knowing when Shuichi was troubled.

Shuichi went into a stall and did a third cut on his wrist, making sure that the glove would be able to conceal it. Once he exited the stall, he was surprised to see Hiro leaning against the sink with his arms crossed.

Shuichi sighed. "Hiroshi, don't do that. You scared the shit outta me!" He was about to leave when Hiro stopped him.

"Aren't you forgetting to wash your hands?" Hiroshi asked.

It was as if a buzzer went off inside Shuichi. Crap. In order to wash his hands, he'd have to take off his gloves. Shuichi sauntered to the sink to the left of Hiro. At least that way Hiro wouldn't have a close view of Shuichi's wrist. Slowly, he pealed his glove off, and eyed Hiro.

"What?" Hiro asked.

"Nothing. Just, uh, nothing." Shuichi glanced to the floor, and got an idea. "Just saw a bug, I think. A spider crawling on the floor. You think that you can stomp it for me? Spiders creep me out."

"Sure, dude." Hiroshi turned around, and searched the floor. Meanwhile Shuichi took full advantage to wash and dry his hands, immediately slipping his gloves back on afterwards.

"I don't see a spider, Shu."

"Oh, really? I thought I saw one."

"Shuichi," Hiro started.

Shuichi cut him off. "Let's get back to work. We have a lot more songs to make."

Hiroshi gave him a look. Then approached him, putting a hand on Shuichi's shoulder. "It's ok if you don't want to tell me. I think those lyrics speak for themselves so at least you're getting your problems out somehow. Just know that you can come to me and I won't judge you."

"I know. Thanks, Hiro. Same goes to you."

"Actually, I need to talk to you after work."

Shuichi noticed the blush on Hiro's face. He smirked, slyly. "Ooh, ok. I see. We'll talk, all right."

They talked back to the studio with their arms around each other, occasionally pushing and shoving, playfully.

After work, Shuichi and Hiro went to Zenny's. There, Hiro noticed that Shuichi was eating less than usual. Shuichi only ate a wrap when his typical feast consisted of a whole plate.

"You ok, dude?"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't have much of an appetite, that's all."

"OK. If you don't wanna talk about it, that's fine, but at least have my fries." Hiroshi pushed his plate over to Shuichi. His fries were plentiful and untouched.

Shuichi knew that Hiro wouldn't let up so he took the fries.

"So what did you wanna talk about?" Shuichi ate a fry after dipping it in ketchup.

"Uh," Hiroshi fiddled his fingers, the same red Shuichi saw earlier returning to his face. "It's about Ayaka."

"I thought so. What about her?"

After a few faltered starts, Hiroshi said. "She's been distant lately. I mean, I know that she has school, but…uh, I don't know. Forget it. It's stupid."

"No, no! Go on." Shuichi urged. He wanted to give Hiro useful advise for a switch.

"I feel like we haven't been talking as much as we used to. And whenever we do, she keeps the conversations short. I can't help but wonder if…she's lost interest? God, I knew this was going to happen. I mean, our relationship didn't exactly start at the right time. She was…She still might be…into Mr. Yuki." He heaved a sigh. "I just don't know how to deal with that fact anymore."

"If you want my advise, dude, talk to her about it, and try not to be so what if about this. You're just going to drive yourself crazy."

"You're right. I should talk to her, but…I'm scared."

"I know, but you have to get past that, and just do it. Whatever the answer, I'm always here."

Hiroshi smirked. "Oh, are you offering to be the rebound? Cuz if she rejects me, I'm gonna take full advantage."

Shuichi smirked back, and laughed. "You are more than free too." He took a huge bite out of his Caesar wrap. "Anything else going on?"

"Yeah, I mean this has been going on ever since we first started Bad Luck back in high school, but my parents still call me, begging me to go to college."

"Oh, man, why didn't you tell me?"

Hiro shrugged. "It's kinda old news, but it's really starting to grate on me. I can't call them or see them without getting the same old lecture about how I'm wasting my life or not earning a good living."

Shuichi frowned. That really sucked. He couldn't imagine how bad Hiro felt. Shuichi's family backed up his career one hundred percent. They even went as far as to keep up to date with everything that had to do with Bad Luck. Maiko bragged about him to her friends, as did his parents. They all even made a scrapbook of all the magazine, newspaper, and Internet articles related to Bad Luck as well as interviews and merchandise. Also, they didn't hesitate in buying all of the albums that Bad Luck released so far. Hiroshi didn't have that luxury and that was sad.

"I'm sorry to hear that." Shuichi grimaced.

"Whatever. It can't be helped, but thank you. For listening."

"Anytime."

* * *

Shuichi dreaded going back to Eiri's condo. He saw that cold glare in his mind's eye, and it made squirm. Shuichi hated how that look was burned into his mind.

His hand hung before the doorknob. God, when he entered he was going to subject himself to more indifference and cruelty. But he had to. His stuff was in there.

He turned the knob, smile plastered on. "I'm home!" Shuichi called. He wanted to act normal so that Eiri wouldn't suspect anything was wrong.

No answer, as expected. Eiri must be working. Shuichi exhaled and took his shoes off, sneaking into the bathroom. He had to cut, but he didn't want to put another on his wrist. If he put any more there, his gloves wouldn't be able to hide his cuts.

He pondered where to put it. His upper arm? Nah. Most of the time, he wore tanks to bed. His stomach? No. Some of his stage costumes revealed his stomach. His leg? Yeah, that'd be good. He just had to apply them to his upper thigh.

Shuichi did so. It stung. It felt great. Shuichi cut again. Wonderful. The pain was leaking out of him. He was about to cut again when he head a door close. The sound vibrated through Shuichi. Oh, no. It was Eiri. He was coming out of his office. Shuichi sealed the blade, and shoved it into his pocket after he quickly cleaned his wounds.

Knock, knock.

"Be right out!" Shuichi flushed the toilet, and washed his hands to give Eiri the illusion that he used the restroom. Then he opened the door, brushing past Eiri to get his luggage. He didn't get the chance to unpack since he got there because of his crazy schedule.

He was about to wheel his luggage out when he realized what he was doing. Shuichi was going to move out. He froze. It might be better this way, but what about Eiri? Can Shuichi really leave him alone without feeling guilty? More than anything, Shuichi wanted to drive Eiri's loneliness and sadness away. On the other hand, Eiri said that Shuichi got on his nerves. Maybe it was better if he left so that he wouldn't bother him anymore.

Shuichi's brain was too scrambled. He didn't know what to do.

"What are you doing just standing there?"

Shuichi jumped and turned to Eiri. He cringed. Eiri was giving him that look, the one that cut another hole in his heart. "Eiri," he murmured.

Eiri's eyes trailed down to the luggage. "I see. About damn time you decided to move out."

"So…you want me to move out?"

"Yes."

"All right, then…I'll just…go." Shuichi about-faced.

All of a sudden, Eiri grabbed his wrist. Shuichi yelped, and pulled his hand away.

"What's wrong with your wrist?" Eiri asked.

Shuichi stalked to the door. Before he could turn the knob, Eiri snatched him by the arm, and removed his glove. He gasped. Shuichi refused to meet his eye. He just shivered as Eiri stroked his wrist.

"Shuichi," he said softly.

Shuichi's heart rate skyrocketed. Damn it. He was melting again. He couldn't forget that his heart was breaking. "Why do you say my name like that only at times like this?"

Why couldn't Eiri say his name all the time?

Abruptly, Shuichi was pulled against Eiri. Shuichi gasped at how strong Eiri's grip on him was. "Eiri?" His voice was below a whisper.

Eiri didn't say anything. He held Shuichi for a while before letting go. Then he grabbed Shuichi's luggage. "I'll help you." He went outside. Shuichi followed him, silently crying. Eiri hailed a cab, and put the luggage into the trunk.

"Take care of yourself." Eiri said.

* * *

Shuichi snapped his rubber band. God, that interview was rough. Why the hell did people insist on asking about his relationship with Eiri? Why should that matter as long as he made his music? His wrist was hot and red from all the snapping.

It has been a month since Eiri helped him move out. Ever since, Shuichi has been living with Hiroshi. He also continued hiding his cuts because he didn't want anyone to take this control away from him. And for the past month, he has been cutting three to four times a day, two on a good day. That would be that now he had about…God, he sucked at math.

"Good morning, and welcome to Celebrity Close-Up. Today we have Eiri Yuki."

Shuichi continued snapping until his wrist was bruised beyond belief.

"Congratulations on winning the Shiwa award."

"Thank you."

Shuichi's hands fisted. Why the hell did he smile at her? What the hell did she do to deserve his smile? God, didn't she even realize how fake he was? Shuichi scratched his arm, subconsciously. That stupid bitch. That moronic asshole. They deserved each other.

"So what was the inspiration for your book, Half Moon?"

Snap.

"Truth be told, I pulled inspiration from a very dark period in my life. Long story short, I lost the greatest love of my life and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel regret."

Kitazawa.

God damn it. The rubber band wasn't helping. Shuichi had to bleed.

"That sounds sad. Would you care to elaborate on that part of your life?"

"Let's just say that history is history."

He couldn't take this anymore. Shuichi took the razor from his pocket and slashed his wrist.

"OK. For everyone who doesn't know, would you mind discussing what Half Moon is about?"

"Not at all. Well…"

Why didn't Eiri ever talk to him that way? Shuichi cried as he cut deeper and deeper and deeper…until he began to feel light-headed and dizzy.

Shuichi groaned and lied down on the couch. So much pain. So much blood. He just didn't want to feel anymore.

He shut his eyes, wondering what heaven was like.

* * *

"Shuichi!"

'Huh? Who's calling me?'

Shuichi tried to open his eyes, but he couldn't.

"Come on, man. Open your eyes."

'Hiro?'

He moaned, and squeezed his eyes.

"Shuichi?"

Finally, Shuichi opened his eyes. At first, his vision was blurry and bright. He squinted. A few moments passed before his vision cleared.

Shuichi saw Hiroshi hovering above him with a worried expression. "Hiro, where am I?"

"The hospital." Hiroshi sounded serious.

Shuichi was confused. What happened? Why was he here? Why did his head ache and why did his wrist hurt so bad?

One look at the bandage and Shuichi knew.

He cut a vein.

Shuichi leaned his head back onto the pillow and shut his eyes.

"You ok, dude? Want me to call a nurse?" Hiro asked, frantic.

Shuichi opened his yes again to look at his bandaged wrist. "I'm fine." He lied. There was nothing fine about this at all. He was busted in the worst way possible. Hiroshi knew. His parents probably knew. And the media were more than likely having a field day with this story if they got their hands on it already.

"You don't have to lie, Shuichi. You're miserable. You have been for a while."

"…How'd you know?"

"Oh, please, Shuichi. You're made of guns and you shot me. Now I need open heart surgery. You didn't think I'd know with lyrics like that?" Hiroshi growled, his voice wavering.

Shuichi watched as his best friend began to sob. There was a long silence until Hiroshi sniffed and wiped his nose with his sleeve. "Why didn't you tell me what was wrong?"

"…I just didn't want…to give this up." Shuichi gave Hiro a small smile. "I love this control, Hiro. It makes me feel good."

"What…? But how can hurting yourself like this feel good, Shuichi?" Hiroshi asked, incredulous.

Shuichi couldn't explain it. His brain was tangled and if he started spilling his thoughts, he'd feel foolish because Hiroshi wouldn't understand.

"Please, answer me, Shu. I won't judge you."

"You already have."

Hiro's eyebrows furrowed. "I wasn't judging you, Shuichi. I'm worried about you. I wanna know what's going through your head."

Shuichi put a hand to his face. "I just…don't want to be here."

"What do you…?" Hiroshi's confused expression morphs into a look of epiphany. "Oh, Shuichi." He sat on the edge of the bed, and hugged Shuichi. "Listen, Shu, I know being apart from Mr. Yuki is tough. Same goes for being with him. I get it, but you're so much more than your relationship with him, don't you know that? You have an awesome voice and your lyrics are getting better by the day and all of your performances on stage are out of this world. On top of all of that, you're a fun person who brings so much joy to everyone around you. Just, please, Shuichi, remember that and don't give up. Please."

"I don't know what to do, Hiro. I feel like I have to force a smile on my face every day and I don't know how to be happy anymore."

"I'll get you help, Shuichi. Don't worry. I'll take care of it."

* * *

Hiroshi looked into the hospital's support groups. Shuichi joined the cutter's support group. On his first day, he was so anxious, partly because he was probably the only famous person there, but once he stepped into the room, he saw someone he knew.

"Shoko?" Shuichi asked.

The short red head turned to him with a look of shock. "Shuichi?" She stood up and ambled over to him, taking him into a warm embrace. "Oh, God. I was hoping to see you again someday, but not here."

The last time Shuichi saw Shoko Sayama was back in high school. They didn't go to the same school, but they met at a Nittle Grasper concert. They even went out for a little while until they had a mutual break-up. Even after that, they remained close until Shoko dropped out of school to join the not-so-popular band, SAIL. Their constant phone calls dwindled as they became busier and busier and eventually they stopped talking altogether.

"It's great to see you nonetheless." Shuichi said.

They pulled away and sat next to each other. Shuichi wasn't ready to talk, but Shoko was. She told a sad story. Turns out that her parents cut off all contact with her and disowned her. Shuichi rubbed her shoulder as she told her tale and cried.

Some others kept silent while most of the circle shared their tragedies. Shuichi was crushed for them and he wished he could take their pain away. No one deserved to go through the agony of losing their family or any loved one for that matter.

That was when Shuichi realized. He wasn't being sympathetic to Eiri's loss at all. Bad or not, Kitazawa was a person that was treasured by Eiri, as Shuichi treasured him.

"Are you ok?" Shoko asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Just fine, huh?"

Shuichi didn't answer.

"Hey, I got an idea. How would you like to go to the roof?" Shoko whispered with a mischievous smirk on her face.

At least she had some of that old fire back. Shuichi grinned back. "Let's do it."

They tracked down the janitor. He was near the door to the roof, cleaning the restroom. Lucky for them, he left the keys on the cleaning supplies that were to the right of the door. Shuichi gave Shoko the keys while he kept guard. She tried opening the door with several keys before she got the right one.

Shoko gave him a thumbs up. "We're good to go."

Shuichi put the keys back and caught up with Shoko, who was already heading up the stairs. Once she was on the roof, she spun around, taking in the fresh air, and the shining sun.

"Ah, much better." She sighed. Shoko reminded Shuichi of a bird that was released from its cage.

"So, how long have you been here, Shoko?" Shuichi wondered.

There was a long pause before she answered. "Half a year." She said, emotionless.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh."

"I'm sorry about your parents."

"You know what, Shuichi? I'm sick of formalities. You know, the whole I'm sorry spiel. Can we just pretend that we have kept contact and that its not a little awkward right now?"

"Sure."

"Good. So…what do you really wanna say about my situation?"

"It sucks that your parents quit on you like that. They should back you up, no matter what."

Shoko smiled. "Thanks. How's it going with your folks?"

"Really well. They've been very supportive about me being in a band."

"That's good. If you don't mind me asking, why are you here then?"

Shuichi sighed. Now that he heard her story, he felt foolish. Unlike her, he was on good terms with his parents. So he felt like he was taking his good fortune for granted.

He leaned on the railing. "This is gonna sound stupid…"

Shoko put a hand on his back. "I'm sure it isn't. Go on."

"Bad relationship. Weird break-up."

"Ok…what was bad about the relationship?"

"I loved too much. He loved too little."

"So you are gay! I knew it." He blinked and she elaborated. "Whenever we kissed, I always initiated it and you looked so grossed out afterwards. Plus you stared at guy ass all the time."

Shuichi blushed. "Oh, right…"

She chuckled. Then she got serious again. "Would you mind telling me about it?"

Shuichi took a deep breath and told her all about his relationship with Eiri from beginning to end, some of the middle parts told out of order. Shoko intently listened, nodding and making sympathetic noises when it was called for.

"Wow, that's horrible."

"In all fairness, I asked for it. I'm the one who barged into his apartment and insisted on being together, despite all the cruel things he said and did. I really should've taken the hint." Shuichi laughed, darkly.

"Arg, who are you right now?" Shoko asked. Shuichi turned to her, a big question mark on his face. "What happened to the Shuichi Shindou I knew? The one who screamed bow to me to the world?" She shook her head. "He wouldn't be saying this. He wouldn't let any asshole control him this much." With that said, Shoko stalked off the roof.

* * *

Thankfully, they weren't caught, not like it would've mattered if they were. Shuichi would still feel shitty. Shoko really whipped him with her words there. The truth hurt. Shuichi was letting Eiri run him down. Worst of all, Shuichi wasn't doing anything about it.

Sure, he was in rehab now, but what was the use of it when he wasn't going to take advantage of the opportunity to heal? It was hard to open up to strangers, but he had to try. It wasn't like he had to specify what gender Eiri was although he was sure that half of the other patients knew, and he didn't have to spill every detail.

Like Dr. Takano said, the circle wasn't for telling the best stories. It was for healing.

Shuichi took out his pad and pen.

Suddenly, he had the most perfect lyrics in mind.

Shuichi was really fighting his urge to cut. Truth be told, he was scared of leaving rehab. After only a few days, Shuichi has become comfortable here, and when he got better he'd be thrown right back into the real world. In that sense, it was easier to give into temptation and feel the burn and see blood.

He groaned. No, he couldn't do it, but he wanted to. And why shouldn't he? He was tired of doing what everyone wanted him to do. Shuichi bolted to the restroom in his room. Damn it. He forgot. They took the razor away from him when he entered rehab.

Shuichi tried finding something else and he was prepared to punch the glass mirror in the bathroom to cut himself with a shard. He raised a fist and was about to punch the shit out of it when he stopped himself.

What was he doing? This wouldn't do any good. He'd just get scolded and have to pay for the damage for the mirrors as well as the other vein he might cut open.

Damn withdrawal.

He had to do something else.

Oh, that's right. He still had to edit his lyrics. Shuichi retrieved them and stared at the words without reading them for a few minutes. Then he shook his head as he snapped out of his random space out, and got to editing.

Some of the changes were frustrating because they were a bit cliché, and no one appreciated a cliché much. Especially Eiri. Shuichi tapped the end of his pen against the pad in irritation. Think, think, think. Finally, he got an idea, and erased the edits he didn't like and replaced those words with better ones.

Awesome. Now all he had to do was show Shoko. He knocked on her door. It took her a moment to answer.

She looked sad. "Oh, Shu, hi."

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Shoko hugged him, much to his surprise. He thought that she was still mad at him. "I'm sorry about what I said yesterday. I shouldn't have judged you like I did."

Shuichi hugged her back. "No, it's ok." He pulled away. "You were right."

"What do you have there?"

"Lyrics."

"Great! Come on in and I'll read them."

Shuichi complied, sitting beside her on the bed. Shoko read the lyrics and then handed them back to him.

"These are amazing."

"No, keep them. I have a copy in my room."

"Huh?"

"Shoko Sayama, will you sing this song with me at the next meeting?"

Her lips curled upward. "I'd be honored."

* * *

It was going to be tricky to do this song without any instruments. But a nice acapella song never killed anybody. Besides, Shoko thought that the lack of instruments were a good thing because their vocals would be more profound.

They worked with a ton of beats and narrowed them down. It took them hours, but they finally got it. They gave each other a high five in victory.

"Everyone, today we have a special performance from Shuichi and Shoko. Please pay them your full attention and respect, please, as they have done you." Dr. Takano said before he waved to Shuichi and Shoko. "The floor is all yours."

"This song is called Phoenix." Shuichi said before nodding at Shoko to start.

They sang the song with such fervent emotion. It brought tears to almost everyone's eyes, but all were touched for the most part. After they ended the song with a long note, everyone stood up to applaud them.

Shoko took his hand. They shared a smile before bowing in unison.

* * *

"Good song."

Shuichi gaped. The last person he expected to see outside that door was Eiri. He blinked a few times to clear up his vision, thinking that he was seeing things, but he wasn't. Eiri was there.

God, his heart was giving out on him again.

"Uh…thanks." Shuichi managed. He swallowed, hoping that Eiri didn't sense his anxiety. "Um, what are you doing here?"

Eiri looked irritated as his eyes scanned the hall. It was as if he were searching for words.

"What do you think I'm doing here?"

Shuichi huffed. It was frustrating how vague Eiri can be. "Oh, I don't know, Eiri. It's hard for me to tell. Guess I need it spelled out for me." He couldn't help but say that last sentence with venom in his voice.

Eiri sighed and rubbed the side of his head.

"Shuichi, who is this?" Shoko asked.

"I'll be in touch." Eiri said and walked off.

Shoko seemed to figure out who Eiri was because she shot Shuichi an incredulous look. Before he could blink, Shoko was running after Eiri. Shuichi made sure to chase her.

"Wait, Shoko!"

"Hey! You like hurt people, huh? Why don't you try hurting me?" Shoko shouted.

Eiri slowed his steps, but didn't turn around. Shoko stopped before him. A long silence ensued before Eiri about-faced, and spread out his arms.

"Do what you will."

Shuichi gasped.

"You asked for it!" Shoko was about to charge at him when Shuichi held her back.

"No, Shoko, don't!"

"Let me go, Shu! I'm gonna beat his ass and make him pay for what he did to you!"

"Stop! It's not worth it!"

Damn, she was strong. It was becoming harder and harder to hold her.

"But he deserves it! You told me that he treated you like shit! Let's see how he likes it for a change!" She growled and pulled put of Shuichi's grasp to give Eiri a kick in the nuts.

He groaned and fell right to the floor, squirming in pain.

Shuichi winced and acted fast, almost falling on top of Eiri to block Shoko's next assault.

"Shuichi?!" Shoko gasped.

Shuichi whipped his head up. "Don't hurt him!" Tears reached his eyes. It was the scent and the feel of Eiri that induced his sobs.

No one spoke for a few seconds until Eiri held onto Shuichi and stood up.

"Let him…!"

"Shoko, no! Please, can you leave us be for a moment?"

Shoko stared at him and then scoffed, spinning around to stalk back into the hospital.

Shuichi slapped Eiri.

Eiri held his cheek in shock. It didn't take him long to switch moods and snap. "What the fuck was that?!"

"Just desserts!" Shuichi shouted.

Eiri rubbed his face. "OK, OK. Whatever. I deserved that."

"Fuck yeah, you did!"

"You're right."

Shuichi was surprised at how remorseful Eiri sounded and how vulnerable he looked. He hesitated, but he summoned the strength within him to take Eiri's hand. Eiri conveyed his confusion. "Will you come with me?" Shuichi asked, just itching to get away from the hospital. It has only been a few weeks, but it felt like he has been there forever.

"Yes," Eiri said, his voice low.

Shuichi didn't have a place in mind when he ran, but he kept an eye out for one. It was a nice day so the forest wasn't a bad spot to go. Shuichi headed there, dashing deep into the woods with Eiri in toll.

Eiri was winded when they stopped. Yeah, the run could do that, but Shuichi knew that Eiri's smoking played a hand in it too.

Shuichi couldn't stop himself from crying. He covered his eyes with both hands. Damn it. He couldn't stop.

"Hey," Eiri said, softly.

Eiri's tone made Shuichi cry more. There was something about seeing Eiri alive and well that made Shuichi sad and happy at once.

Eiri gathered him in his arms, and Shuichi held on, as if for life. He was shaking and he was crying way too hard. It was frustrating. Shuichi didn't want to be this weak. He was tired of crying, especially in front of Eiri. Shuichi knew that it got on his nerves, but surprisingly enough, Eiri didn't say a thing. He just held him and for that, Shuichi was grateful.

Once he was done, Shuichi pulled away. "I'm sorry." He kept his head down. Shuichi couldn't find it in himself to look at Eiri.

"It's ok." Eiri said, blankly. Then his hand came into view. Shuichi watched as Eiri took his hand and slipped up his sleeve. He tensed and his stomach churned.

Eiri traced his scars and it sent shivers rippling through his body. "Why…?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you do this?" His voice wavered.

"Because I…" Shuichi sighed. "I just…wasn't good enough for you and I…" He laughed as he got choked up again. "I wanted to forget that pain so I thought that this would somehow replace that pain, but…it didn't. God, I know I'm not making much sense…"

"It does, but Shuichi," Eiri murmured. Shuichi met his eye to see that Eiri was getting pretty choked up himself. "You're wrong about not being good enough. It's just that…you're too good for me. Can't you see that?" Two tears met at his chin.

Shuichi shook his head.

"What the hell do you see in me that's so great?" Eiri sounded angry, like he was undermining himself.

"I see a man who's passionate and caring." Eiri scoffed at that. Shuichi continued. "And no I'm not imagining things. If you weren't caring, you wouldn't have let your brother crash at your place whenever he needed it. You wouldn't have returned home to your dad after he faked being fatally ill. You wouldn't pick up the phone for your sister and you most certainly wouldn't have gone through the trouble of tracking down Aizawa to beat some sense into him. On top of all of that, you're passionate about your writing and that inspires me."

Eiri gave him a questioning gaze. Shuichi smiled. "I don't know. You just have this really cute, really intense look on your face whenever you're writing or typing. I guess I can relate to that passion and that inspires me. You inspire me. To be better."

Eiri smiled at him and that made his heart turn to goo. As if that wasn't enough to make him melt, Eiri cupped his neck. "You're just so…there's no word for you, Shuichi Shindou."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Shuichi gave a teasing smirk.

Eiri mirrored him. "Guess."

They shared a laugh. Shuichi's heart felt much lighter. It was surreal to see Eiri actually let out a chuckle. Shuichi held his face, the smile slipping off his face. "You're being real right now, right?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Can you not answer my question with a question please?"

"Shuichi, I haven't been more serious about anything in my whole life."

Eiri pressed their foreheads together and stroked his arms, trailing down to his waist. Heat shot through Shuichi's body. This was what he has been missing. Eiri's touch, his affection. He just wanted to believe it.

Shuichi put a hand to Eiri's mouth. "Don't kiss me if you don't love me." He whispered.

Without hesitation, Eiri kissed him.

* * *

For the next few weeks, Shuichi finished up rehab. All that time, Shoko gave him the cold shoulder. Shuichi knew why. When he got back from the hospital that day he blindly led Eiri to the forest, he spilled the beans about what had happened. She was real disappointed in him.

"People like him can't change, Shuichi! You're making a huge mistake!" Her yells would echo in his mind every now and then. He did feel apprehension about his decision because a part of him was still heeding her words. Eiri had a habit of sweet-talking Shuichi whenever he wanted a hole to fuck. On almost every other occasion, he'd either treat Shuichi like he didn't exist or treat him like garbage. Either way, it was like he was intending to hurt Shuichi. And that made Shuichi terrified of diving in headfirst. Would the waters be too shallow or were they deeper than Shuichi thought? He prayed on the latter.

"Hi," Shuichi said to Shoko. She was seated on one of the benches that were in the hall of the psych ward.

She didn't answer.

Shuichi sighed and sat down beside her. She scooted to the end of the bench.

"Shoko."

She crossed her arms and legs and stared at something down the hall.

"Shoko." He moved closer and poked her stomach. She stifled a laugh. He poked again and she burst out chortling that time, swatting his hand away.

"Stop it! I'm mad at you!"

"Hmm, doesn't sound like it."

Shoko glowered at him, but then a smirk broke out on her face. She gave him a playful shove. "Shut up, and if you poke my stomach again, I will kick your ass."

Shuichi held up his hands. "You have my word. I'll lay off."

"Good."

"So…are you still pissed at me?"

Shoko hummed in thought. "Not really. I'm just…scared for you. I don't want you to get hurt again, Shu." She touched his shoulder.

"I know."

"Can you give me your word on something at least? If he ever tries to use you for a nice fuck again, will you leave him?"

Shuichi let out a breath. His heart was heavy from the inquiry. He suspected Eiri of doing that again, but hoped with all he had that his suspicions were wrong, and that Eiri was being genuine about that kiss.

"I give my word."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

* * *

Later that day, Shuichi was discharged from the hospital. He said a heartfelt goodbye to Shoko, who still needed rehab to recover. Shuichi promised to come visit and hinted at bringing her some presents.

When he was released, Shuichi knew that no one was going to meet him. They were all busy and besides, he didn't want them to wait outside for him. It was hard to explain. Maybe it was because he wasn't ready to see them or maybe he wanted to be alone. Or both.

Shuichi walked out to see that someone did show up with a bouquet of flowers.

"Eiri," he murmured. "What are you doing here?"

Eiri rolled his eyes. "For you. Who else would I come here for?"

Shuichi smiled, sheepishly. "Just making sure."

"Here. These are for you." Eiri handed him the roses. Shuichi smiled. They were nice and red. That made Shuichi happy. Red meant passion and love.

"Thank you." Shuichi gave him a peck on the cheek. "It was real sweet of you to buy me these."

"So…how about we go home and put those in a vase?"

Shuichi's smile widened. "OK."

They returned to Eiri's condo and took their shoes off. Eiri led Shuichi into the living room where a vase laid on the coffee table. Shuichi removed the plastic from the roses and put them in the vase, which already had water in it. That led Shuichi to believe that Eiri made an effort for him.

"Why was I the only one there?" Eiri asked. "Knowing you, I thought that your band mates and your family would be there."

"I told them not to come. I just…I'm not ready to see them yet."

"Do you feel ashamed of what you did?"

"Sometimes I don't. Now I do."

Eiri took Shuichi by surprise when he gave him a kiss. His heart almost broke out of his chest. Shuichi had some trouble breathing, but adjusted to breathing through his nose. Eiri's cool hands graced his neck and then traveled to his cheeks. Shuichi shivered. A pop sounded when their lips separated.

"Shuichi?"

"Hm?"

Eiri took him by the waist to bring him closer. "When I kicked you out, I didn't do it because I didn't like you. I did it because I thought that you'd be better off without me. So I did that to try and drive you away. Try being the operative word of course." He said that last sentence with a smirk. "You're too stubborn for your own good, you know that?"

"I know."

"Would you be willing to call this place home again?"

"Yes."

Their mouths met halfway and started in a fierce kiss and then softened. Eiri caressed his stomach so gently it made Shuichi moan and melt. He hooked his arms around Eiri's shoulders and he realized how much he truly missed being kissed by Eiri. Despite that, his greatest fear bubbled to the surface.

"Eiri?"

"What?"

Eiri began kissing his neck, which heated at the touch of his lips.

"Will you give me your whole heart this time?" Shuichi asked in a breathless whisper.

Eiri raised his head. Once Eiri's eyes locked with his, Shuichi dreaded the answer and in turn his stomach acted up and he bit his bottom lip.

"Yes, I really want it to work this time, Shuichi."

He released the breath that he was holding.

"Let me take you out tonight."

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Shu? He's broken promises before." Hiroshi reminded him.

Shuichi huffed. Eiri told him to pack up his bags and put on a casual outfit to wear. Then Eiri was going to pick him up, put his stuff in the trunk, and take him to their secret dating location, which Shuichi was thrilled to out where Eiri was taking him.

"C'mon, Hiro, everyone deserves a second chance."

Hiroshi snorted at that. "Second chance? I recall you giving him a lot more chances than that."

"Please trust me on this, Hiro. I'm giving him this final chance to prove himself. If he screws this up, which I hope he doesn't, I'm dumping his ass. I promised Shoko that I'd do that if that's the case."

"Well, for your sake, I hope it works too. You better keep that promise or else I'll kick your ass. Got me?"

Shuichi chuckled. "Yeah, yeah." He closed his suitcase and clapped his hands together. "All done. I'll give you a call tomorrow, ok, Hiro?"

Hiroshi frowned, and pointed a stern finger at him. "You better." He hugged Shuichi goodbye and walked him out. Shuichi saw Hiro glare at Eiri, who was leaning against the door of his black Jaguar, and then stood up straight when he saw Shuichi approach.

"Hi," Shuichi threw his arms around Eiri in a scant hug. "I'm all packed."

"Good, I'll put that in the trunk for you." Eiri took Shuichi's stuff and briefly regarded Hiro with a nod. Hiro nodded back, his glare still intact.

After setting the luggage carefully into the trunk, Eiri entered the car. Shuichi knew that he didn't want to deal with Hiro. He also knew that Eiri was more sensitive about this situation than he let on. So he shut down and came off cold by tucking himself away in the car.

"If anything happens, you know that you can move back in."

"Yeah. If."

Hiroshi embraced him and then let him go. "Good luck, man."

"Thanks." Shuichi sat in the passenger's seat. While Eiri drove, he held Shuichi's hand. That made Shuichi's heart jump, and he tightened his grip. They sat in a comfortable silence until they reached a parking lot to a park. It wasn't until they entered it that Shuichi realized.

This was where they first met.

They sat down on the bench that brought back many memories. This was where Shuichi came when he was upset about Fugisaki joining Bad Luck. He also went there when he lost his voice and finished writing Glaring Dream while Eiri was in New York.

"Why here?" Shuichi asked.

"Because I want to talk to you in a place where I won't get carried away." Shuichi blushed at the implication.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to get our feelings out on the table. How do you feel about getting back together?"

"I'm scared." Shuichi admitted. Eiri looked upset about that. "But I'm happy." He quickly added. "And I'm hopeful. How about you?"

"I want this to work so badly, Shuichi. For the first time in a long while, I want to be better. I want to be happier and you make me happier. Doesn't mean that I'm not terrified of losing control and hurting you again."

"You've been working on it though, right?"

"Of course."

"You still seeing your therapist and psychiatrist?"

"Yes. Ms. Kimiko switched my medication and I've been feeling better ever since."

"That's good." Shuichi nodded.

"When was the last time you cut?"

"Before rehab. The urges have died down and I don't ever want to cut again."

"Good. I don't want you to either."

Shuichi beamed at him.

"What?"

"This is nice. Talking like this, I mean."

"Yeah, it is."

"You seem calmer."

"Yeah? How do you figure?"

"Well, for one thing you don't have that crease in your forehead when you're all annoyed. For another, you aren't puffing on a cigarette."

"I quit."

"Oh, my God! That's great, Eiri!" Shuichi couldn't help but toss his arms about Eiri's waist. That caused Eiri to shift back on the bench.

"Careful now."

"Oh, sorry."

Shuichi got off Eiri. "That's ok. Believe it or not, I actually missed those crazy tackles of yours." Eiri smiled, kissing him.

"And I missed those ardent kisses of yours." Shuichi breathed.

"So now that that's all straightened out, there's one more thing I want to fix." Eiri stood up, and motioned for Shuichi to stand up before him. Then he held out his hand. "The name's Eiri Uesugi. What's yours?"

* * *

A/N: Wow, it's been such a long time since I uploaded anything! I actually got around to finish typing this story up today. So proud!

I wrote another Gravitation story, but it's ShuRyu. I'll upload it soon. I'm proud of that story too. And yeah, it'll probably be the last Gravitation story I'll ever put on this site. I've lost a lot of inspiration for writing Gravitation stories, and I enjoyed writing them while the inspiration lasted.

Speaking of, I know that I said in my A/N from Transition that I'd make a sequel, but I don't think that'll happen either. I apologize to those of you who were looking foward to reading it. I just don't have the drive to make the story.

Currently, I'm writing stories/one-shots for Kurbastian, HarukaxKantarou, and SetoxYuugi. So, for any of you who enjoy these pairings, please look foward to any future updates! Thank you for being so understanding.

For now, I bid thee adieu.


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